5 Ways to Dispose of a Body After Killing Someone

I have been dealing with a lot of anger issues lately. To try and assuage some of the unrelenting animosity quelled inside of me, l I frequently imagine taking out that rage on living human beings. Slitting people’s throats. Strangling them in the night. Shooting them in the chest. Ok, I don’t actually imagine this. I’m not insane. However, I am really really really angry sometimes. And I thought, that if I were ever to kill someone, I would need a way to dispose of their body without getting caught. So, without further ado, let me now describe the five best ways to dispose of a body after killing someone.

Try our beautiful new crimson shade!

1. Put it in a wood chip grinder. – Messy, but perfection. That body will be nothing but dust in no time. Better yet, make sure you mix it in with some cherry wood or other type of red chip. Then, despite the initial gooiness, no one will be able to tell that there is a body in their wood chips. Children will be happily playing, and old people will be happily gardening – all ignorant to the fact that they are rubbing their hands on some dead persons remains. As for the smell, they will probably think their cat killed something.

Make sure you grab his wallet first.

2. Burn it up at a crematorium – Alright, I might be stealing this idea from Dexter. But it’s one of the best ways he’s killed a person so far. Throwing bodies off of a boat – spoiler alert, it’s a problem. Just make sure that no one sees you going in and out of the place, otherwise it’s pretty obvious you were doing something naughty. And be sure to collect the ashes when you are done. I’m pretty sure Dexter didn’t do this, as it was still burning when he left… which just seems really sloppy to me. At least give your victim a proper goodbye by letting them float away in the wind!

Just remember not to do it in your house.

3. Drop it in a vat of hydrochloric acid. – I totally thought of this way before they did it on Breaking Bad. I know that makes me a hipster, but come on. It’s the most logical and effective way to dispose of a body. You would be left with nothing but a gooey mess – which you could just bury in the backyard, no problem. Better yet, take it to a spot in the woods where no one goes (for example, not a hiking trail or patch of woods behind your house – I never understood people that do this!) and dig a deep hole and bury it there. No one will ever find it.

Look, even your victim will think it’s awesome to be eaten by goats.

4. Feed it to a herd of goats – Ok, I did a little research on this one, and it turns out that goats aren’t exactly omnivores. However, they do have the reputation to try anything once, so if you get a pack that’s big enough, even if they all just take one bite, the body will be gone in no time. If that fails, just feed it to your dog, some sharks, a bear, etc. Whoever is hungry will eat it! Heck, even go Sweeney Todd style and bake it into pies and give it to your family!

It’s… modern art…

5. Make it a work of art – I like this idea. I would take most of the meat off of the bones, and then discard that in any fashion you wish – it will just decompose anyway, just dig a hole and put it there. Then, use the bones to create a fantastic masterpiece. Ever heard of the Sedlec Ossuary? It’s a chapel made entirely of bones. Yet no one seems to question it – in fact, millions of people visit there every year! Soon you will be a famous artist, just tell people the body was donated by an unnamed source who wished to remain anonymous. Be sure to take out the teeth so no one will recognize him/her, and you will be set.