How To Survive a Bar and Not Be Creeped Upon
Avoiding creepers is hard, and sometimes impossible. For those of you who do not know what a creeper is, let me present you with the definition:
Creeper (n) – a horny person, generally male but also of the female variety, that likes to “creep” unknowingly upon their prey until said prey is thoroughly disgusted and freaked out. See also sexually-deprived losers, rapists, and weirdos.
Now, with that out of the way, I’m sure you can remember a time you’ve had an encounter with a creeper. Don’t you wish you could have avoided it? Here are some tips to try and keep the scary people away:
1. Don’t make yourself attractive in any way. I’ve found that the nicer and prettier you dress up, the more likely people are to creep on you. However, I think there must be a line which creepers cannot cross, both when talking about the beautiful and the ugly. If you are too pretty, a creeper will leave you alone because they know there is no way they are ever getting a piece of that. If you are too ugly, the creeper simply won’t want a piece of that (well, they probably do, but they are less likely to act upon it). For a person like me of average attractiveness, I really can’t make it up to that beautiful range. I am assuming that most of the world is the same way. Therefore, the best way to keep creepers away is to uglify – no makeup, baggy clothes, and slimy hair. This should keep all but the most severe creepers away, and if you are approached by them, a simple 911 call should suffice.
2. Keep yourself private on Facebook and other social networking sites. All creepers do not come in the physical form. The realm of online creepers is an entirely different spectrum, and in ordered to be guarded against it, one must essentially form a moat around their personal life. Be sure that you Facebook is private, and only your friends can see intimate details. This will decrease the number of random friend requests you receive with people looking to “huk upe lol”. Don’t allow anyone to see your photos and status updates but your friends, and if you’re really afraid of being creeped on, you can even prevent people from searching for you period. Often a creeper you have met in real life will try to friend you online, and you must be prepared.
3. Make fun of the (small) size of his penis. While I’ve never tried this one, I’m sure it would work. This is what women are supposed to do when they are flashed by men in the street – a type of creeping. It invalidates the man’s ego and makes him feel belittled and effeminate. However, it also seems applicable to the bar or club setting. If a man approaches you because he wants to creep upon you, simply say that you don’t talk to anyone with a micropenis. If he insists on “showing” you to prove that he does not have a micropenis, tell him you’ve got a pair of scissors in your pocket that will make it a micropenis after you are done with it. By the end of the conversation, if you can keep a stern face, he will feel afraid for his manhood and hopefully never talk to a girl again.
4. Tell him you are gay or asexual. This might completely backfire with some men, as I’m sure they will ask you something like, “Can I watch?!” or “Baby, let me sexualize you.” For these men, you will have to be a little more creative. Carry a picture of a really ugly, butch man/woman creature in your wallet and bring it out when he suggests joining in. Tell him that it could be a fivesome, since your partner also likes to do it with his/her father and uncle. If he’s still into it, I would just suggest a kick in the balls and to get away while he is hunched over in pain. If he wants to sexualize you, tell him the last man that tried ended up a eunuch. If he still wants to try because he think he is better than the last said man or doesn’t know what a eunuch is, tell him the last man you had contact with was Michael Jackson.
5. Run around screaming RAPE! And call the cops. Ordinarily, you might think you actually have to be in the process of being raped to scream “Rape!”, but if you want to get the guy away from you, it’s definitely the quickest way. Sure, the cops might arrest him and he might go to jail for a long time and always have the permanent title of “sex offender,” but he probably deserved it. At least he would learn his lesson.
